I Hate Your Blog (Unplugged) (2019)
I hate your blog.
terrible and bad.
I hate your blog. You own a dog, and you feed it.
You post about it. I get to read it.
Plus: five paragraphs on the socks you bought
and your thoughts on whether Nicole Ritchie's hot or not.
You got no reason to be typing, yet you persist.
Hit each key with your fist till you punch out your top ten list
of all the things that ever happened in your life.
Number one: met Michael Jackson's second wife.
Number two: got Curly on the Which Stooge Are You
Poll, as the GIF proves. Click for the link-through!
Three: saw puppy pictures on a web page,
kittens in a nest egg. The idea gestated:
Why not open up your own?
So you bought the account and yet I hope you don't
put the payments in on it every month like they want,
'cause then you'll disappear off the internet, haunt
just the Wayback Machine like a ghost.
And I won't be like, "How come you don't post??"
I promise I won't.
How could you hate my blog? It’s got
Have you seen the title with free glitter
Inspirational quotes about anything?
memes and links to the best gaming streams?
with clips of kick-ass movie scenes?
GIFs and riffs,
my opinion is super keen.
A proud Trump voter, a
big gun owner,
vape trick blower on my John Deere
I’m real likeable and unforgettable,
and if I
use your photo I’ll never credit you.
Instagram, Snap, and Reddit too.
My blog’s got a
super loud embedded tune:
Stupefied by Disturbed,
on repeat. I know each word.
And that’s me, come
and see, I know you’ll love it.
Stop being a normie
and join the troll republic.
I hate your blog. You ain't logged in in a month and a half,
and I, for one, am aghast.
I mean I'm fast on the way to removing it from bookmarks.
If I took part in vanity I might be trying to look smart
by not checking eight times a day.
Your blog is so despair-inducing I can't bear to look away.
Oh, well! Got to do what your muse compels.
Guess I'll try to go despise a blog by someone else.