This is not technically a bootleg review since I paid for a 48-hour rental on Amazon, but I did watch it at like 480p blown up to fullscreen so it was pretty similar to watching it embedded on a russian pharmacy affiliate link traffic funnel page.

This plot summary is written in tribute to Gabe's 'The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time' while that feature is on hiatus.

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes

Poor James Franco. His dad John Lithgow has a disease. It is called THE DISEASE throughout but also at some point accidentally called Alzheimer's, and obviously it's Alzheimer's because when it's acting up John Lithgow can't play piano excellently or hold his fork the right direction. So obviously James Franco is devoting his life to developing and testing a new ANTI THE DISEASE drug called one-twelve. One-twelve has no side effects. Except that it makes test chimps into noble revolutionaries. Oops!

Our man's reporting his success to a group of people in business suits that is both the governing body of the drug company and a set of potential investors(?) when his powerpoint presentation goes so poorly that testing is discontinued and all the apes are put to death. Doctor(?) Franco heads home in defeat, pausing only to adopt a newborn chimp who's already received ape-smartening chemicals prenatally. Oh, right! One-twelve! He takes some of that home too in case he wants to give it to his dying father. After three years he figures, sure. Why not.

His dad has an immediate total recovery! But our boy is cagey, and keeps this wildly exciting CURE FOR ALZHEIMER'S a secret. Perhaps he is hardened by years of subterfuge — his grim duty of protecting and hiding the stolen chimp Caesar. Caesar of course is the smartest ape on the planet, wears clothes, enjoys a gym at home but prefers trips to the redwoods, is protective of John Lithgow, pummels a neighbor, and winds up in an intensely implausible ape prison in San Bruno.

Sure, it's posh upstairs, but down on the cell block it is all cruel guards and corrupt wardens. You get mush and hay and if you complain you get the hose. Caesar leans his head against his drawing of a window and dreams of home.

Instead of rescuing his chimp son, James Franco reports to his mean boss that one-twelve made his dad smarter than HE EVEN WAS BEFORE HE HAD ALZHEIMER'S, which means obviously that research is back on and it's time to load up on chimps. Some of these are deliveries from the same ape jail where Caesar lives, so apparently it is an ape jail SLASH test monkey emporium, but when James Franco comes to bail him out, Caesar opts to remain. He would rather escape on his own, steal smart drugs from the fridge, break BACK into ape jail, dose up an army of supergenius ape guerrillas, liberate the drug lab, liberate the zoo (though only the primate exhibit? why not share your smart gas, ape dicks?), and then lead his cohort toward primatey paradise (Sausalito, I think).

It's a panic on the Golden Gate! The apes whoop ass on the police, mercilessly killing the mean boss from the drug company (who's helping shoot at them from a helicopter for some reason), then trundle off into freedom's bosom.

James Franco is only momentarily confused when, in the sun-dappled glade of their final farewell, Caesar speaks English. "This film is terrible and I have not looked like a real living creature for even one frame of it, but I'd like you to trust that all of us CGI apes belong here, in Sausalito, and not in your attic."

James Franco makes a few more hilarious acting faces and they part in peace. Except: his recent upgrade of the Alzheimer's cure ALSO escaped the lab and is super poisonous and now the whole human race will be wiped out in several weeks. Oops again! Cue credits.

The new single is Invasion Of The Not Quite Dead, a duet with Wheatus. Get the mp3 or m4a for free, watch the video, and (if you are so inclined) buy the album.

The previous single is still a mighty fine thing! Video, mp3, m4a.

Stay tuned for info on a Jan 22 show in Utica! Oh! And merry christmas, or whichever.

MP3 will be available shortly for your downloading pleasure, along with a quicktime version of the video for you to keep with you in your pocket or at home.

The previous video, Critical Hit, is still online and fancy as heck. It is badly in need of about 100,000 more views, so please watch it once a day for the next hundred thousand days or so.

Speaking of videos from the new album (Solved), Front's in Bushwick working on the production of Stoop Sale, the second clip to be financed by this summer's Kickstarter campaign. Those of you who chipped in are privy to the production diary, updated each night this week.

We hear that the JoCoCruiseCrazy II allotment of bookable cabins is soon to deplete entirely, so if you want to be on a boat with Frontalot, Coulton, Paul/Storm, Hodgman, PF Tompkins, Marian Call, John Flansburgh (of TMBG!), Vi Hart, David Rees, Molly Lewis, Joseph Scrimshaw, and Wil Wheaton, get on that shit.

ALSO! Don't miss Front performing in Oakland Dec 23rd with Lars, Ran, and Adam Warrock.

It was quite a jaunt. Front rests his bones now in Brooklyn.

Relive the 2nd American leg at Ken Flagg's tour diary. View the kickass Halloween show in Nashville at livestream. Run up the hit count on the latest official music video, Critical Hit.

Gregory Maguire tells Time that he is curious to see how long he'll be able to tolerate MC Frontalot's songs.

Hey, Oakland! If you're going to take one night off from getting brutalized by the jackbooted po-po, make it Dec 23rd. Front does a solo set (meaning: backed by DJ CPU) at the Uptown, with MC Lars, MegaRan, and Adam Warrock.

The band's Nov. 11th show in Worcester MA has changed from a private party to a public event, so see if you can make it.

The tour-ending super celebration at Littlefield in Brooklyn has grown to epic proportion: Monsterface will envelop the crowd in their majestic nerdrock, and Schaffer the Darklord will present his devlish rappery. It's Schaffer's birthday party, too. So bring a cake-shaped hole amongst your innards.

Also added: New York! The tour will end at Littlefield in Brooklyn on Nov 12th. Mark your calendars.

Today, the van rolls through Arkansas on its way to a couple of dates with The OneUps (Fayetteville 10/26, Hot Springs 10/27). Hell's Eve looms! Front will be with Peelander-Z and the Protomen in Nashville for the big night. Then it's off to Gainesville, FL, the Carolinas, Baltimore, Philly, Boston, Albany... your details are at the gig calendar.

Video action center! How about this whole Frontalot set from the Knitting Factory in Brooklyn last December? Or perhaps Front, the Sturgenius, Bl4k Lotus, and Vic-20 performing an unplugged Spoiler Alert in spyfm's kidnapper van several days ago in Oklahoma City? Or there's still the new Official Video for Critical Hit, an extravaganza if ever there was one.

56K (aka Mike Lombardo) continues to file his youtube reports live from the road, and Vic-20 keeps the prose and photos flowing in his tour diary. Learn of Front & the band's exploits therein.

The UK tour is at an end! But the USA tour resumes on the 21st. See Front and his band (Bl4k Lotus, Vic-20, and The Sturgenius) in Austin, Dallas, Oklahoma City, Wichita, Fayetteville, Hot Springs (AR), Atlanta [pending], Nashville, Gainesville, Chaleston, Charlotte, Chapel Hill, Hampton Roads (VA, at NekoCon!), Baltimore, Philadelphia, Cambridge (MA), Albany, and NYC [pending]. Deets are best found on the calendar.

Tickets are fast evaporating for JoCoCruiseCrazy II (the legend of JoCoCruiseCrazy). Get your cabin while it remains hot/extant. Front will rap on this boat, so if you want to be on a boat, with Front, who is rapping at the time, bust open that piggy bank.

I've got a song on the new record called Captains Of Industry (recently made into an illegal bootleg mashup called Black And Yellow Tee Shirts by the song's costar MC Lars for his illegal bootleg mashup mixtape) and that song is about how Lars and I are superstars of rap but actually our job is being titans of the clothing industry. In other words, we sell you tee shirts to finance our professional music careers. THERE I JUST EXPLAINED THE AMUSING PART FOR YOU. But you will enjoy the song anyway.

Anyway. My tee shirt dispensary sets up shop in clubs where I make sweaty rap for you folks, and aferwards I am the one who hands you nicely bagged tee shirts at the tagged-up folding table where there isn't enough light.

But did you know?

Those bags were probably prepared by my mom. She is the manager and chief of operations over at Nerdcore HQ West in sunny Berkeley, CA. But do not let the temperate climate and pleasant home office environment fool you. My mom runs a sweat shop over there. Since retiring from a high-powered career in finance, my mom (the sole employee at headquarters) spends her days managing my inventory, negotiating with my suppliers, folding my shirts, drop-shipping to my convention appearances, customer-supporting those of you who hit up my store, packaging my merch before taking it to the post office, and worrying that I (HER SON WHO LIVES IN A DREAM PARADISE WHERE I MAKE ART ALL THE TIME) am not getting enough sleep because I rap too late in the evenings.

I was working on the record during mother's day but I wanted to post this then and for always, since my mom is the awesomest. And also if you are an MC Frontalot fan, her awesomeness benefits you materially.

So let's hear it for Ma Front!

Here is my favorite picture of her ever (from burning man), but I don't know if she wants it on internet so I might have to take it down when she notices this post.