Superman vs. Aquaman
Look, it’s simple, in a fight, Aquaman kicks Superman’s ass. No contest. He’s Aquaman! He talks to fish and whales and squid and all the beasts of the seas! He’s their king. They do his bidding, and should he bid them kick Superman’s ass, that’s what they’ll do. Sure, maybe Superman kills a whale or two. Maybe he hurls a giant lamprey up into the atmosphere and laughs, watching it burn. Superman’s like that, laughing at his victims’ plight. He’s smug, that’s his major failing. He’s a smug bastard too hung up on his sick thing for Lois to realize what a no-good, self-serving prick he is. And why not? He’s a space alien! Guy isn’t even human and he calls himself SuperMAN? I have to hand it to him, he’s got balls, Superman does. Or should I say IT has balls? What IS Superman, anyway? What’s he made of? And how did all those Kryptonians evolve to look just like humans? I know, there’s probably a ten issue series devoted to that very question. Whatever. Fuck Superman. That’s my point. Fuck Superman and his smug, better-than-thou attitude, because Aquaman could and frankly SHOULD kick Superman’s ass. What’s Superman going to do? Burn Aquaman with his laser eyes? Not with Aquaman chilling at the bottom of the Pacific motherfucking ocean with every blue whale on Earth lined up above him! What’s that? Superman could burn through all the whales to get to Aquaman? Great. Thanks, Superman. We humans were getting bored with blue whales anyway. Thanks for killing them all just to prove how mighty you are. Aquaman, meanwhile, is on the other side of the globe doing his best to quell the aquatic rebellion brewing in response to Supe’s indiscriminate whale slaughter. Aquaman cares. He cares equally about fish and about humans. Most superheroes care most of all about their capes, how colorful they are, how they ripple and wave during acts of derring-do, Superman most of all. I bet Superman’s next plan is to breathe his super-chilled breath on the ocean and freeze the damn thing solid. That won’t work, either. Aquaman would simply hide out inside. Inside what? How about the giant undersea cities? Did you forget about the cities? Aquaman didn’t. He LIVES there, not that Superman would know. Not that Superman’s even come to visit anytime in like that last ten years, despite yearly invitations to Aquaman’s Undersea New Year’s Ball. Years ago, remember, Aquaman thought of Superman as a real pal, as someone he could talk to, someone he could share his hopes and dreams with. Superman pissed all over that relationship. Yet Aquaman sends out the invitation every year. One year Mr. Squid said to Aquaman, “Why, Aquaman, why must you invite the Evil One yet again?” Aquaman answered, “Mr. Squid, I know Superman is a prick. I know he wants to kill me, and that he would kill you to get to me, but—” And here Aquaman was cut off by the horrible screams of all the fish in all the seas, for at that very moment Superman had swallowed up all of the Earth’s oceans and all the life within them, Aquaman and Mr. Squid included. Lucky for life on Earth as we know it, Aquaman had with him his kryptonite pocketknife. He cut out a small hole in Superman’s stomach through which all the water and all the fish poured out to freedom. When the last mollusk had crawled back to its home, Aquaman stood over the wrinkled, stretched-out, sliced-open body of Superman and thought for a moment that he was dead. But Superman was not dead. Not yet. When does Superman die? Not until the following year when, sick of his bullshit, Wonder Woman tricks him into thinking she wants to fuck him, has him come over, gets him wasted on a boatload of qualudes she’s been hoarding since ’78, and laughs while Aquaman cuts off his head with a kryptonite axe. True story.